Institutes, Programs, and Fiefdoms
Department of Inter-Departmental Grievances
The Craymeuller Center for Arbory Sciences
The Craymeuller Center for Arbory Sciences supports the leading edge of natural, agricultural, and botanical academics and research. Dr. Emile Lozano-Hola, the center’s founder, long-time director, sole instructor, and now professor emeritus, radically expanded the boundaries and traditional definitions of ecological sciences. Currently, we are proud to support the publication of Dr. Emile Lozano-Holz’s newest book, Sexy Tree Holes and Other Arboral Erotica, which can be found here: https://www.blurb.com/b/10692731-sexy-tree-holes-and-other-arboreal-erotica.
Department of Pedantics
In order to delineate the purpose and intentions of the Crossmore Institute’s Department of Pedantics, one must first understand what is commonly meant by the term department. A department is a division of a large organization with a specific subject, commodity, or area of activity. Common examples can be found in such entities as a government (a parks department, a revenue and tax department, a health department, and so forth), a university (a business school, the psychology department, the athletics department, and so forth), a business (the hardware department, a meat department, housewares, and so forth), and so forth. With this definition in mind, the Department of Pedantics clearly meets the criteria to be a department. First, it is a division of a larger organization, in this case the Crossmore Institute. Second, it has a specific subject on which it focused, namely pedantics.
One may then ask naturally, what is to be meant by the term Pedantics. In order to answer that clearly, we must first briefly outline what we do not mean by the term pedantics. The terms pedantic, supercilious, precise, punctilious, formal, dogmatic, scrupulous, and pedagogic are just a few of the terms used to demonize individuals who hold knowledge. By the term pedantic, we do not mean to caste any negative or derogatory judgements. In addition to a radically non-judgmental stance, the term pedantic is not meant to be any sort of play on words around the term antics. There are no antics initiated, sustained, or maintained through the Department of Pedantics. Of course, there is a sense of satisfaction that can be gleamed from a precision-based life, and that sense of satisfaction may even reach the level of play or pleasure. However, that is not our purpose, and this entire line of thought is a subject best left for another day.
The Department of Pedantics is the home for consistent and persistent examinations of mundanity, questionable ephemera, and a close reading of what it means to experience an experience. There is a saying in the Department of Pedantics: A rock is a rock, unless it is not. One might say that is the department’s motto.
Currently, the department releases weekly and annual missives of its musings and explorations, The Weekly Tedium and the Annual Tedium, respectively. The department also supports other departments in the Crossfire Institute by reviewing and critiquing the work of those departments. Whether they invite it or not.
Institute of Music Depreciation
The Institute of Music Depreciation currently sponsors the activities and creative output of The Black Brine. Formed in April 2020, during the early days of the COVID pandemic and shutdown, The Black Brine create minimalist, dark noise to honor and exalt the mood, smell, and flavor of the Oregon Coast. Their songs typically last for at least ten minutes, and contain sparse and repeated lyrics. Their membership reportedly in flux, we believe that The Black Brine is only composed of one individual. However, sometimes that individual is accompanied by a core musical group of one drummer, two bass guitar players, one guitarist, and one vocalist. Additionally, some performances have reputed to involve up to five bass guitarists, two keyboardists, three guitarists, three drummers/percussionists, several vocalists, and two performers whose contributions were indiscernible.
Institute of Fine Art
The Institute of Fine Art has partnered with the National Security Agency to create its first artist in residence program. Started in 2014, this innovative and unique program will allow an awardee to have access to high-level classified information and one of the most sophisticated surveillance apparatuses ever created in human history. The fortunate awardee will be able to let their artistic and intellectual vision blossom for one year. After being chosen by the Institute of Fine Art’s search committee, the awardee must submit to a rigorous and time-consuming security clearance process. To date, no awardee has passed this process. In 2019, one person made it further in the screening process than any other awardee. Unfortunately, the calendar year of her residency ended before clearance could be granted. Perhaps you can be the first awardee to make use of this wonderful and frightening opportunity.
Department of Existential Revisions
Certificate in Tautological Studies
The Certificate in Tautological Studies is a training program for academics, researchers, intellectuals, and general gas-bags from all professions and walks of life. The program teaches an approach for validating what one already considers to be validated. In this program, participants will learn the importance of a process-oriented approach, as the outcome has already been determined.
The Brain Science Center for Raising Inherently Good Children
The Crossmore Institute’s Brain Science Center for Raising Inherently Good Children seeks to improve the health and well-being of children everywhere. The center’s mission is to 1) collect our society’s store of best child rearing skills, techniques, philosophies, and practices, 2) communicate them in a pithy and shallow manner for mass consumption, 3) if possible support them with a plausible yet vague scaffolding of neurobiological evidence, and 4) feel good about ourselves and the gifts we have given our children. Here is a selection of recent white paper publications produced by the center.
Fostering toddler resilience, adaptability, and neurogenesis when the NASDAQ dips
Managing the challenges of your au pair’s unresolved childhood trauma and unseemly mirror neurons
The relationship between being a Yale alum and your child’s acceptance into Yale: correlation, causation, or just sour grapes for everyone else
Building your child’s sense of wonder during the family trip to the French countryside